WARNING: Rebecca D. shows flagrant disregard for the rules of punctuation... She uses ellipsis with wild abandon... Punctuation interventions have been done to no avail... If you are offended by such irreverence to the rules of grammar... The very glue that holds our society together... STOP READING NOW... Move on... There is a little button at the top that says "next blog"... You would be well advised to use it... You were warned...
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Last August Katy came to me just before we left to take Allison to college and told me her marriage was in trouble. She tearfully told me that things started to go down hill towards the end of her pregnancy and that she didn't know what to do. She shared that he was angry all the time, that when they were alone together he was cruel (verbally) to her, made fun of her, would yell at her and "blow up" over tiny things, would not allow her any access to any family money, but most concerning her was getting increasingly rough with the baby. As the baby became mobile and would get into things he believed it was his job to implement discipline and even started spanking the baby at only six months old. She spent a lot of her energy making sure the baby didn't annoy him in any way but that was exhausting and that deep down she was growing more afraid of him. She said he had never hit her but felt like it was only a matter of time at that point.
We were of course alarmed and deeply concerned. We believe in the sacred covenant of marriage but didn't want our daughter or granddaughter in a bad situation. We had seen some troubling things and had been concerned for sometime but it's hard to know what is the normal growing pains of marriage and what requires intervention. The fact that she was truly worried for their safety we decided (prayerfully) to suggest she and the baby stay here at our house while we were gone to take Allison to college giving them time to cool off and pray. Then when we got home they should go to marriage counseling to work on his anger and any other issues leading to it.
He reluctantly agreed to this plan and they saw very little of each other while we were gone. When we got home we pushed for a couple weeks for them to get into counseling and were hopeful when they found someone. It became apparent early on that he was just going thorough the motions. He was spending more hours a week with his personal trainer then his daughter or his wife and he would mock the therapist at every opportunity. Long story short, Katy tried three times between late October though November to move back into their home, each time to end up back here through a series of escalating incidents. The last one in late November, they left here and in less then two hours a terrified Katy called her dad and asked him to come get them. He had become so enraged because she said she was having a bad day that he yelled at her and proceeded to punch in the side of their vehicle (so severely you could no longer open the passenger side door). It was the final straw, she told him she couldn't do it anymore and thought they should get divorced. (On a side note, he was also not supporting her or the baby financially in any regular way and she still had no access to family funds.)
About a week and half later she got a call from his close friend telling her that he had caught Jed and his wife together and they confirmed they had been having an affair and they were "in love". The other woman left her husband (and their two young children) and moved her into Katy & Jed's home. Katy was not shocked (which is another story) but did have a hard time wrapping her mind around it. So her dad took her over there while he would be at work. Thankfully no one was home but in fact all the other woman's belongings were there.
On a side note, Jed was still leading worship all this time at church even though we made it clear (or so we thought) that he was in a very bad place. After the affair became public knowledge, the pastor confronted him and told him to take the woman back to her husband and to seek Katy's forgiveness. This of course did not happen, but in their effort to "not choose sides" but allowing him to continue to lead worship up until the affair came out made Katy feel alienated as if sides were in fact chosen.
Things have gone from bad to worse with Jed. We tried to facilitate public visits with the baby (at indoor playgrounds and the like) but at one visit there was nobody else there and he verbally accosted Katy while holding the baby (preventing her from getting down or going to her mother). It was so dramatic (and traumatic) that the baby (who was speaking quite a bit and using simple 2-3 word sentences) stopped speaking. When I say she stopped, I mean TOTALLY stopped. That was in Feb. and she just started saying "no" again in April. She doesn't even say "Mama" anymore. At nearly 2 she should be talking up a blue streak but we are lucky to coax babble and one word here or there out of her.
Soon after that incident a judge ordered Jed to have ZERO contact with Katy for her safety and that he have professionally supervised visits with the baby. He was also finally ordered to pay child support and although he rarely ever pays it, she is always amazed when he does. Everything is a huge mess these days... Court dates, lawyers, his lies and rumors he spreads all over the community... There are some days she feels like she is drowning.
She did go to a local group that offers support for women leaving domestic abuse situations... She was reluctant at first, but her lawyer thought it would be eye opening. They had her go through a checklist of "abusive behaviors" and she was shocked to see that she checked off more then 3/4 of the list. It said if you checked off four or more boxes you may be in an abusive relationship and she checked off almost ALL of them! We were all so ignorant to what domestic abuse really is and that it comes in so many more forms then just hitting someone. All his controlling behavior, threatening and name calling (among other things she probably wouldn't want me to share) were emotional, verbal and several forms of physical abuse all along.
We are still in the middle of this big mess but Katy is slowly starting to heal and slowly starting to look forward to her future. (She has been reluctant to make plans.) So that is where we are... Please pray for us but especially for Katy and our grand baby.
Thanks for listening,